A Mother's Perspective

Today's post is a special piece in light of Mother's Day. It forms part of this month's series 'Seen and Heard' which seeks to shed light on the lives of those who may not feel seen or heard by the people around them. I hope this series will encourage you to listen to those around you and grow in your understanding of the different circumstances and experiences that people may face in life.

It was a joy and privilege to be able to catch up with one of my dearest friends Charlotte,* who has recently become a mother of three-month-old Charlie*.

Charlotte is like a mentor to me, someone who I have walked with closely over the years and who has taught me much about God. Through our catch-ups, I've learned much about the joys and challenges of motherhood. This interview is a close and personal look at what motherhood looks like behind the scenes.

Even as this interview was happening, Charlotte held Charlie in her arms as he slept. I think we did a good job of getting through the bulk of my questions before he woke up crying. A big thank you to Dante* as well who looked after Charlie for the rest of the interview.

Here is the transcript of our interview together!

*Please note the names have been changed to protect the family's privacy.

S: How have you found transitioning into motherhood?

C: This is such a huge question. I might get the dirty from other mothers for saying this but I think it's been a lot better than I expected. It's been fairly smooth but I think maybe it's because it's still early days so it might change as Charlie gets older. For now, it's been good.

S: Is it because you were prepared and read books or went to classes?

C: I didn't go to classes and I didn't read books but I have friends and family who have had kids. I guess I was prepared for the worst, such as just feeling dead all the time because of the lack of sleep and not being able to function or do much else other than looking after him. I was prepared for him to be crying all day long and not knowing how to stop it. I was also prepared for complications in the pregnancy, the birth or health conditions. I knew that anything could happen so when things ended up being fairly smooth, I was pleasantly surprised and very thankful.

S: What does a day in your life look like now? Have you been working or are you still on your maternity leave?

C: Since I work in a family business, there's no real set maternity leave. I was pretty much back at work straight away but at a very reduced capacity. Even from the hospital, I was still checking emails and stuff.

S: At the hospital! Like after Charlie had just popped out? And you were only at the hospital in the first week right?

C (laughs): Yeah, that's just the nature of a family business. I would say now I work whenever I have time. It would probably add up to two full days of work at whatever time I can find. I also do have Thursdays, which is my dedicated workday, where my husband Dante will look after Charlie.

S: What are some of the things you do throughout the day? Is there a schedule?

C: There's not really a schedule at this stage but my day is generally ruled by Charlie's feeding times (every 3-4 hours) and his naps (every 1-1.5 hours). Ideally, he would wake up, feed, play and sleep. He usually feeds for about 10 minutes but the whole process takes about 30 minutes because I need to burp him too. He’s then awake and plays for 1 hour and a bit and then should theoretically sleep for 1-1.5 hours. And that would make up 3-4 hours in total. This is then repeated throughout the day. If he's happy to play and sleep by himself, I can do stuff during that time but it never really works out that way.  Often, he’ll want me to hold him while he sleeps and will start crying when I put him down. Even if he is happy to be put down, a baby's sleep cycle is 30 minutes so he will wake up every half an hour. Then it’ll take me another 15 minutes to settle him again.

C: When I have time, I generally try to do 3 things. I try to spend some time praying, reflecting and reading God's word; doing housework (e.g. cooking, tidying up, washing/folding clothes..We have to do a load nearly every day now..); and office work. In a day, I can probably fit in 1 or 2 of those 3 things. If I do all 3, then it’s been a very good day.

S: How did you feel when your days changed in the type of work but also the constant need to be available for Charlie?

C: There was definitely an adjustment period. The first month passed by in a blur because I was still recovering but I do remember feeling really brain dead after each day because I wasn’t interacting with clients and adults anymore or exercising my brain in the same way. In the first 1-2 months, everything is just on-demand with newborns and feeds are a lot more regular, so it can be quite mind-numbing. I learned that for me, having some office work to do on the side was helpful in that it added some variety to my days. That being said, often it can all feel a bit overwhelming when I can’t do what I had planned to do because Charlie is particularly upset that day. But I’ve been learning to show grace to myself and go with the flow. There are things that I have on my checklist, but when I don't get them done, it's okay. Giving up control was/is a big thing. And now, rather than planning out my days, I'll just have a list of items that I need to do generally that week and I'll prioritise doing them in my spare time in terms of urgency.

S: So you are now three months into being a mother, what are some of the joys you've experienced in that time?

C: One would be marvelling at God's amazing design of the human body in being able to grow and give birth to a child, then recover while also nurturing and providing all that the child needs through breastmilk.

C: Two, would be loving Charlie and forming this unique relationship with him. It sounds really weird but I find it very joyful to feed and change nappies even when I was waking up 5 times a night in the first 2 months. I can’t put into words why, but even when I was in extreme pain (both from labour and breastfeeding) I was still really happy to do it and found the moments very precious.

C: Three, being able to embark on this journey with Dante as a partner and seeing how we grow together, face the challenges and overcome them.

C: Four, seeing Charlie grow and develop because every day is something different. He grows physically and mentally, recognising faces and forming an emotional attachment. Seeing him develop in the smallest ways brings me so much joy. When he first smiled at me, my heart melted. Or him learning to turn his head from side to side to follow what he sees - these are all developmental milestones.

S: What are some of the challenges of motherhood you've faced?

C: Oh, so many!! I think the first would be postpartum recovery. It was really tough and it was probably the one that took me by surprise the most. Even though I had prepared myself for it and I knew it would be difficult, it was very, very painful – almost worse than my experience of labour itself. Then learning how to breastfeed and dealing with the pain that came along with that was another challenge.

C: The second would be getting things done when Charlie is in one of those moods where he doesn't want to be put down to play or sleep by himself (this has also been happening more recently). It means I can't get anything done in the day. I can't clean up the house and get urgent tasks at work done. It's hard when things are time-sensitive and it makes it really hard to commit to anything with my current lifestyle. Even going to the toilet can be hard sometimes when Charlie is crying hysterically!

C: Three, getting anywhere on time, especially if he has a last-minute nappy blowout and you have to change all his clothes and his nappy again. So now we try to buffer in a lot more additional time whenever we have to leave the house.

C: Four, leaving home generally. What used to be a 10 minute Woolies run has now become a 1-hour adventure. Charlie (and I assume this is true for most babies) is happiest at home, so when we go out, he’s often upset in the car, or the pram, doesn’t like the light, or the noise, or the wind or cold air from the fridges. He’ll suddenly get hungry or need a nappy change, or will be crying hysterically when I put him down because I’m trying to check out… I generally enjoy going out for walks and fresh air, but now I just think about all the effort it takes to leave the home, and that usually dissuades me.

C: Five, mindfulness. It’s too easy to just zone out and get into the habit of going through the motions of just surviving and getting things done. On top of that, since we often need to drop whatever we are doing to attend to Charlie at a moment’s notice, it’s been much harder to focus on things and conversations properly. As a result, it’s almost like I’m starting to forget how to have proper conversations because I’m getting used to being distracted all the time and long term, I can see these negatively impacting relationships with family and friends so it's something that I need to work on. I could continue with the list of challenges, but these are the first few that come to mind.

S: Has Covid-19 added another dimension to these challenges?

C: Covid-19 has made me warier of people coming into contact with Charlie. Even if someone were able to look after him for a while and hold him while I worked, I would be wary because I would think about where they've been or who they've come into contact with. Whereas pre-covid, I would've been like 'yeah, hold my son', now it's 'I don’t know where you've been this week'. Even when my parents have any hint of flu symptoms, we avoid each other so it's made it harder in that sense.

C: On the other hand, I think in some ways, it has made it easier. Mothers often become quite isolated during the early stages of motherhood. Because of the challenges I mentioned, it’s easy to become disconnected from everyone else but as a result of the pandemic, we've all learnt how to maintain relationships even when you can't see people in person. Things like zoom, phone calls and video calls have definitely made the transition to motherhood somewhat easier. While they can’t fully replace in-person interactions, they are definitely better than nothing.

S: Is there anything you have taken for granted and have learned to appreciate more now?

C: Work. Over the last year, I had my share of struggles with work which is a whole other topic so I won’t go into that here, but now that my main job is looking after Charlie, work has become a much more positive thing. As I mentioned earlier, looking after a child can be really mind-numbing. It's made me appreciate work more when I go into the office and have the opportunity to talk to colleagues and clients – it’s just a change of pace which is nice.

S: Is there anything else you learned to appreciate more?

C: I also mentioned this briefly earlier, but I've definitely learned to appreciate how the female body is designed and how God has made everything fit together so wonderfully. I suppose I never really thought about it too much because science was not my forte and my degree was as far from the topic as it can get so I've never been super in tune with the details of how the body works or the reproduction system. But going through it now, I'm like wow. I think in today's society, a lot of the value that is placed on the female body is not actually in the functions but very much the superficial looks and vanity. That's what the emphasis is on, and how society judges the body’s value and worth. I mean I’ve known that not to be true for a while, but now having experienced it myself, I’m honestly just so blown away by how God has knitted together and designed the female body to make this all possible. Not only in growing a human life but helping a mother recover as well.

C: Learning to appreciate my parent's love for me now that I'm on the other side of the parent-child relationship. Experiencing that complete and unconditional love for another human being is very different. Somehow having a child form in you and giving birth to them is such a different relationship and I don't think I can properly explain it but it gives me perspective on how my parents feel about me. My mum always said to me, 'You won't understand until you become a mum' and there is truth in that. Only now am I getting a glimpse of the type of love that a parent has for a child and how different it is from other relationships.

S: Has your faith in God changed your perception of motherhood?

C: Oh definitely! My faith in God has completely shaped how I think about motherhood. It's hard to put into words because my faith impacts every aspect of my life, every decision, every attitude, every thought. So it's hard to pinpoint exactly how but an example might be how my faith enables me to give up control in situations. A struggle of being a parent is wanting certain things, certain definitions of “success” for a child and when things don't go that way, it can be hard to deal with. Knowing that I am not in control of my child's life but God is the one in control gives me a lot of freedom and peace. Knowing He is a loving Heavenly Father who wants the best for us and that his love for my child is so much greater than mine could ever be. I can rest in peace knowing that whatever happens to Charlie, it will be okay.

C: Rather than wealth, intellect or family, Dante and I hope that Charlie would be a believer. If he is a believer, everything else will be okay – not necessarily perfect or even smooth, but we know that with God's strength, he will get through whatever life throws at him and come out stronger for it. As we parent him, we want everything we do to point to the reality of the God of the Bible being the God of this world. It shapes the decisions we make, how we spend our money and the lessons we'll teach him in the future. For example, when he does well in exams or he doesn't do well, when he wants what his friends have or when he makes mistakes. It’s easy to place your worth in these things, but we would hope to teach him that his worth is found not in his grades, possessions or achievements, but in his identity as a child of God who is always pleased with him because of what Jesus has done on the cross. Similarly, as a mother, it can be really tempting to start basing my identity and worth on being a mother, and letting my perceived successes or failures (based on others around me) define me.. but being a believer means I should stop looking sideways and remember that my identity is Christ first and foremost. Dante and I have also talked about how we spend our free time and how much we prioritise our own relationships with God. From Charlie's perspective as a third party, what would he see in our lives and our beliefs? I’m jumping around a bit here, but there’s just so much I could talk about in answer to this question!

S: It sounds like such a huge responsibility and role to be a mother of a child.

C: Yes definitely! For the first five years of their life, until they start school, all they know is the home life. Even when they go to school, home life still plays the biggest role in terms of influence and so it’s mind-boggling to think how you teach another person to live life. All the things that come to mind, the nuances of thinking through each situation and the different considerations, the many grey areas… if not for my faith, I think I would be overwhelmed by the weight of the responsibility!

S: If you could say one thing to encourage mothers, what would you say?

C: I’m still so new to this and have only just gotten a taste of the struggles of parenthood for the last three months. But one thing that has helped me through the challenges has been the belief that Charlie, and everything in my life at the moment, is a gift and privilege given to me by my good father who loves me and wants the best for me. It is a gift and privilege to have a child who I can feed and change and teach to roll over and burp and sleep. It is a gift and privilege to have a home to clean up and food to cook and dishes to wash. It is a gift and privilege to have a flexible job that can provide me with a source of income. It is a gift and privilege to face situations that incite frustration in me because it forces me to reflect on myself and consider what areas of my heart I need God’s help in transforming. And these gifts are not just for me to enjoy for myself, but to hopefully bless others with as well. Now that I have tasted some of the struggles, how can I bless other mothers who might be struggling? How can I use God’s gift of a home, job, health and time to bless others around us? Approaching each day from this perspective, helps me to enjoy God’s presence and grace in every part of life. To my fellow mother (or father!), let thankfulness fill your heart and strengthen you to face the challenges of each day with joy.

S: How can the people around you at church better support you as a mother? What would you want them to know?

C: Even though young mothers (and fathers!) get taken away from the church community for a while and find it harder to see people as often, we really do still care for and love the communities we are in. If we seem distracted and tired, please forgive and be patient with us and help us relearn how to have proper conversations with adults. We appreciate your perseverance in reaching out to us to chat or hang out even if we are not around as much, or as responsive as we used to be!