Let's Chat About Our Mental Health

This post is a continuation of the series 'Seen and Heard' which seeks to shed light on the lives of those who may not feel seen or heard by the people around them.

When brainstorming what topics I wanted to touch on, mental health came to mind almost immediately. There are so many misunderstandings about mental illnesses and how they impact people. I hope this post will dispel some of the stigma surrounding mental illnesses and help people feel more comfortable chatting about them.

I had the privilege of chatting with my close friend Nathania about her journey with mental health. She is one of the most resilient and empathetic people I know. She always listens to what you have to say without judgement.

Though each person's journey is different, I hope you will be encouraged to be honest about your feelings and let those around you know how you are going. It takes courage to do so, but it's so worth it!

Here's the transcript of our chat.

S: Hi Nat. So maybe to kick things off, could you share a little about your journey with mental health?

N: Ever since the beginning of high school, I've felt empty, like things don't really matter, things are hard, getting by is hard and whatnot. I didn't know what was wrong, but I questioned whether I was depressed. I was always like yeah-nah you're not. You're just making up excuses or just being dramatic.

N: At the end of Year 9, I was getting a little anxious and stuff. It didn't feel right, so I went to the GP, and they referred me to go see a psychologist. They ended up diagnosing me with depression, and I was like oh ha-ha, came here for anxiety but got diagnosed with depression.

N: Being diagnosed was a good and bad thing. I felt like my feelings were validated, but at the same time, it was all the more real. It's a very interesting journey to go through, being diagnosed with a mental illness. It was a relief, but I also fell into the identity of 'being depressed'. Since then, it's been 10 years, and it's been up and down figuring it all out.

S: How did depression affect your day-to-day life? How did you feel and what did it look like?

N: I think it's always hard to explain it to the best of what it is because it feels so different when you're in a low period compared to when you're not. But it sort of feels like a haze or cloud of heaviness/darkness where everything is tinted and tainted in a way that seems or feels meaningless and hopeless. You'll feel quite heavy like everything has lost its colour. You'll wonder why you should get out of bed when you can just stay and sleep away those feelings, or you'll want to distract yourself from how hopeless everything feels. It feels like you're stuck in a tunnel with no end, which I think is a metaphor that people use to describe how they feel. But it does feel that way.

N: It affects doing 'normal' things like...('normal' is an interesting word because it may or may not exist) but the usual like getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, going for a walk, grabbing a coffee and meeting up with people. The way it affects me...I've sort of learned to live with it, so I think I function quite well despite feeling it. But some people find it really hard. I mean, I still find it hard, but how it affects me is that I won't want to do anything, won't want to get up or show up to things. I have to really push myself or convince myself to do things that are more or less what people do regularly. It takes a lot of energy to just get out of bed and do what I need to do. Even though I really value relationships and love hanging out with people, it doesn't feel happy. Tiredness and fatigue are what I struggle with most during those times.

S: I think what's surprising when you're feeling anxious or depressed is that there's so much going on internally. Emotionally you're feeling lots of different things, and it feels very turbulent. Did you ever feel that way?

N: Yeah 100%. It's funny because you know how there's a turbulent part in the Myers-Briggs test?

S: Oh yes! Assertive or turbulent.

N: I think I was almost like 90% turbulent. Emotions are sort of like my world. Like everything I do, everything I think of is based on my emotions and how I feel. It feels like I'm fighting with myself all the time. I feel a certain way, and I try to do things that help me not feel that way, so it is exhausting. You're always talking to yourself and trying to reason with yourself.

S: Did you ever have thoughts that were irrational or illogical?

S: At least for me, I would have all these thoughts, and they would be just so in my face and pull me down, especially in those low periods. But when I looked back after I was in a better place, I realised how irrational they were.

N: For me, it was very absolute. Nothing matters. Everything sucks. Everything is meaningless. You're a terrible person. You can't do anything at all. You can't accomplish anything.

N: One thing that always comes up for me in relationships is that I always hurt people. In those moments, it's really hard to fight that thought because it's all in my face and all these irrational thoughts come up. When you think about it and try to reason with it, you realise that you're just human and will hurt people. It's part of being in a relationship with people, and while it may be true, it's not the complete truth. You also bring joy to people's lives and share different emotions and feelings. I guess it's just one example of how it can feel so irrational.

S: Did you ever find it hard explaining how you were feeling? Did you feel like people understood?

N: That's an interesting one. I think I can get around to explaining it and whatnot, but it's hard because it feels like there's more depth to it than most conversations would allow (whether it's small talk or just general chit-chat). It takes a lot of energy to start going into an in-depth conversation which is what I would need to do to explain how I was going. So I'll talk about certain aspects of how I'm doing, but I won't go fully in-depth. Most of the time, I keep it to myself or find time to talk about it with people I'm closer with.

N: It's also easy to feel misunderstood when you share certain aspects of how you're feeling but not the depth of it because it's only one side. Or when they take it a certain way or whatnot and feel like they might view me in a certain light. So a lot of the time, it's not easy to tell people how I feel.

S: Yeah it feels like a lot to say to a friend in one go. Would you say then you're more hesitant to go into it?

N: Yeah 100%. Sometimes it feels like it's just not worth my time, or it might be, but then I'm too tired. I'm open to talking about things and love to go into a deep conversation, but I'm just too tired to think about it.

S: I know for people who haven't struggled with mental illnesses, it's hard for them to understand and empathise with the struggles. If you could say something to those who don't understand, how would you encourage them to approach these conversations?

N: I think my answer is broader than just those who struggle with mental health. TLDR; have an open mind because there will always be things you don't understand about people, things you don't know and experiences you haven't gone through. Be open to listening, learning, growing and knowing that we're all a small part of the people that exist. There's only so much we know, and we can gain so much by listening to other people's stories. Just because we haven't felt it before ourselves doesn't mean it's not real.

S: Being open, being a good listener and understanding our differences. I love these suggestions, Nat.

S: Has your faith impacted your mental health journey?

N: 100%. Ultimately, the biggest thing that I've always come back to is where I find my meaning. Depression exacerbates the desire to find meaning, and I've found that in God. Even though our lives here on earth don't last and will eventually come to an end, there is meaning in how He has given us this life, how He has created all things for good and how we are made in His image. We're made to enjoy His creation, share His love and goodness and be in community with others. Living for the kingdom that is to come and eternity.

N: Even though a lot of the time I don't enjoy this and don't know how to find meaning, deep down, I know there is hope. It's just really hard to grasp it a lot of the time. So I go through dips, ups and downs. I feel like it's a lot more downs than ups, sorta downs and a little better, not all the way great but yeah still on that journey of figuring out what it means to live as a human being on earth and a Christian despite the way I feel.

S: Last question Nat, what would you say to someone struggling with their mental health, whether it's a recent discovery or they've been on this journey for a little longer and still feel the way they do?

N: This may sound cliché, but it carries so much weight when you take it to heart. I would say that as alone as you feel, you aren't alone. There will always be someone that understands. It's okay to feel this way. It's not your fault. It's not that you've brought it on yourself. I would want to validate people's feelings because especially as Asians, we haven't learnt to be emotional people. Sometimes it's just acknowledging how you feel and realising it's real.

N: Another big thing is reaching out to people you trust or those close to you, people you would be able to talk to about these things. Being on your own never helps, especially when you're stuck with your thoughts. It's also nice to have someone by your side and with you on the journey. Community is such a big thing, doing life together and sharing your struggles because I don't think we were made to do things alone.

Resources

• Beyond Blue Support Service (available 24/7 by phone for anyone who needs someone to talk to)
• The Depression Project (they do a really great job in spreading awareness about mental health and helping people to understand and articulate what they are going through)
• Black Dog Institute (also another great site for helpful resources and support)